Life truly is a cycle. . .

For the past ten months of my life, I have yearned and aspired and labored to reform my thought processes, habits, desires, and perspectives.

For what reason do I exert such great effort into becoming a new, confident person? As was proven on one beautiful, indescribable day in July, when my accomplishments are not acknowledged by others, I fail to find worth in them myself. I desperately yearned to show the world that I could be an upstanding, loving, godly person, yet the world failed to perceive the change that took place in my life. I accepted this lack of perception, and persisted in my earnest effort to pursue God with incomparable passion. As I have sought His truth and His will, I have been brought to my knees, lifted up on wings of eagles, and broken beyond myself. My life is brilliant, and my love is pure. (Yes, I adamantly abhor that song, but the line seemed applicable.) He has graciously granted me immeasurable mercy, and abundantly blessed me with an insatiable desire to seek the approval of none but my beautiful, sovereign, infinitely sufficient Heavenly Father.

I have proven to myself that I am capable of faithfulness to Him. No . . . He, through His great love, has once again shown Himself able to capture and sustain the heart of His humble servant. As I once sang, "Who is this One Whose love both binds and frees us?" Many hours have I spent contemplating that line - hours which, inevitably, are followed by many additional hours spent marveling at His greatness. He has drawn my heart to Him, and, in so doing, has loosed the chains that bound me to my sin and bound me to Himself.

Why, then, am I again struggling with this longing for freedom? I have no desire for freedom from the will of my Heavenly Father, yet I struggle to recognize His desire for my life. I yearn to make decisions based on my own assessment of given situations, yet am forced to forfeit my self-bestowed right interpret His will to those who believe that they are still an irreplaceable part of the chain of command.

Lord, why does my mind struggle so?